


A moment alone in the shade

by citydreaming



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Break Up, College, Fix-It, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 06:33:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14636066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citydreaming/pseuds/citydreaming
Summary: During their second year of college Bram decides he can’t do the long distance thing anymore.





	A moment alone in the shade

**Author's Note:**

> this does have some Simon and Bram related spoilers for Leah on the offbeat but it wouldn’t be particularly obvious if you haven’t read it.
> 
> also this is my first time writing this pairing and from Bram’s POV so i hope he isn’t too OOC. this is post canon, during their second year of college. a little bit if angst followed by fix-it! HEA i promise. 
> 
> also this is all fiction etc, characters belong to Becki Albertalli.

It’s during the January of their second year at college when Bram tells Simon he wants them to take a break and even though he is holding back sobs and Simon is begging him not to it feels like something he _needs_ to do. He’s still helplessly in love with Simon but it honestly feels like missing him takes up all the space in his brain and heart these days and he just, can't do it anymore.

Bram has to do it over Skype and honestly he knows that fucking sucks too, but he doesn’t trust himself to visit Simon and actually follow through with it. So he is that guy who breaks up with the love of his life over an internet connection and the irony isn’t lost on him that he found Simon on the internet and now he’s ending their wonderful thing that way too.

He’s still crying an hour after the conversation ends and that is how his roomate finds him, curled up on their sofa looking blotchy and pathetic but Bram doesn’t even care.

He’s spoken to his roomate Sarah about the whole thing for weeks so she doesn’t even need to ask what has happened before she wraps Bram in a hug. Honestly it just makes him feel guilty as fuck, he doesn’t deserve sympathy when he’s probably just broken Simon’s heart and god, he doesn’t even know if there is anyone to comfort Simon.

“I’m the worst” Bram chokes out and Sarah just sighs and strokes his hair.

“You did what you had to do B, long distance is a bitch and sometimes it doesn’t work no matter how hard you try.”

Bram just closes his eyes and tries ignore the way bile is rising his throat at the thought of being single now, the thought of being _without_ Simon. 

—-

The next morning Bram is woken up at 8am by his phone ringing and when he sees the caller ID he immediately feels sick again. It’s Nora and suddenly Bram is struck by the fact that he isn’t just giving up Simon, he’s giving up all of the Spiers. He’s spineless and doesn’t answer, but he does text Nora because can’t not.

 _i really cant talk right now, im so sorry_

He presses send and immediately he can see Nora replying and he can just imagine her, hunched over her phone and furious with him for hurting her brother.

 _i never took you for a coward bram, what the fuck?!_

The reply is enough to make him turn off his phone and bury himself under the duvet. 

The thing is that Bram knows he’s a coward, he’s never been strong and brave like Simon, he hid behind Blue for so long and then left Simon when the whole thing came out and he’s never really forgiven himself for that. And now he’s doing the same thing again, leaving Simon when things get tough and running away when someone tries to confront him. It’s pathetic and so much of him wants to fight for them but also missing Simon has been so acute since they started the long distance college thing that he just cannot do it anymore, not right now.

Bram doesn’t turn his phone back on for the rest of the weekend, instead he hides in his room and occasionally allows Sarah to drag him to the kitchen for meals at their breakfast bar. It’s just the two of them living together this year, one year in dorms was enough for Bram so they live off campus in Brooklyn in a shitty little two bedroom apartment that screams student but he kind of loves it anyway. At any rate he is glad there is only Sarah around to see him losing his shit over ending things with Simon and she is being the Supportive Best Friend that he really needs right now. He hopes there is someone there to do the same for Simon in Pennsylvania. He also prays that their mutual friends don’t absolutely fucking hate him, but he honestly isn’t holding out much hope. He doubts Leah will ever speak to him again. That thought is another painful punch to the stomach that he just can’t deal with so he pushes it away.

—- 

On Monday morning, four days after his last conversation with Simon, Bram finally works up the courage to turn his phone back on. He has a lot of missed calls, from Nora and his Mom mostly, and more texts and Facebook notifications than he’s probably ever had in his life. He doesn’t read them, just opens each text to get rid of the notifications before clearing the alerts on Facebook too.

It’s much later, after a slew of classes that he barely even remembers attending when Bram clicks back on to the blue and white F app tile. It’s complete habit to open Facebook and search Simon’s name, something he has been doing since before Blue even existed. He’d been crushing on Simon for years and he used to creep on his tagged photos pretty regularly. Since they started dating and college it was more to keep up with what he was doing outside of them. Today Bram does it because he is apparently a masochist and what he sees literally makes him feel sick.

**Simon Spier is Single.**

God, it’s been four days and Simon is already updating his relationship status. But what did he expect? Him to hang around in case Bram decided that actually this was one huge fucking mistake? (Which he thinks it probably really was because he still misses Simon every minute of the day only now his heart is aching right alongside that, constantly.)

Bram can’t stop himself from checking the comments on the status update and their mutual friends have left a lot of “what the fuck”’s and Bram has even been tagged a couple of times, just his name and “??????” mostly but god, he feels like an asshole. All these people probably know by now that he did this, he broke the beautiful thing that he and Simon had because he was too weak to handle long distance. 

Bram shuts the app and turns his phone off again for the rest of the evening.

——

The rest of the week passes in weird lurches of time, his classes fly by in blur of presentations and reading assignments that he can barely concentrate on and then the evenings drag, minutes ticking by so slowly and every second is filled with thinking about Simon. He reads through their text history and old emails, heart stuttering every time a silly selfie pops up or they say ‘I love you’ - it’s literally torture but Bram feels like he deserves to feel this way. 

And before he can really process it two weeks have passed since he ended things. He hasn’t spoken to Simon once, or Leah, or Nora, or Nick, or Abby and his life just feels empty. He has friends in New York, Sarah and people from his course and a gay couple who he usually hangs with pretty regularly, but it feels like his life with Simon has just been erased, along with all the people who were in it. He hasn’t contacted any of them so he knows it is his own fault but he just can’t face hearing them say that they don’t want to talk to him, that they choose Simon. And Simon deserves to be chosen in this, he really does, but that doesn’t mean Bram isn’t empty inside at the thought. 

Bram’s parents have called a couple of times, asking if he’s okay without actually prying and he appreciates it but the thought of explaining that he ended thing is too much so those calls are usually over pretty quickly. 

Honestly Bram is miserable, more miserable than he ever was whilst missing Simon but he tells himself that this just needs time, that one day his heart will stop feeling so battered and he’ll realise this was the right decision. 

—-

On February first it snows in New York, a storm that starts in the afternoon and the city is blanketed by 10pm so Bram is at home, in bed and watching dumb comedies on Netflix when his phone chimes.

It’s Simon. 

Bram hasn’t heard from him since he ended the Skype call that ended _them_ and immediately he’s terrified to even open the text. 

_Simon: why ddi you do thiss to me.?_

Bram can tell from the typos that Simon is drunk and that explains the contact after three weeks of silence and god, it’s only one ill formed sentence but it is enough to break Bram all over again.

_Bram: i’m so sorry si, it hurt too much and it was too hard…i just, i’m sorry._

It isn't even close to a decent explanation but it’s all Bram has.

_Simon: nothign could hurt more than this_  
Simon: fuck u bram  
Simon: fuck u for makingg me love yuo and then breaking my heart  
Simon: you fuckin told me to tuen down NYU and go to Haverford… it wass all you 

And that’s the truth. Simon was willing to give up his dream college for Bram and Bram told him not to, that they’d make it work, no matter what. He is the worst and he doesn’t know what to do because Simon is clearly drunk and someone should be there for him. Bram texts Leah.

_Bram: hey it’s me, simon is texting me and i think he’s drunk and… i don’t know what to do. Can you call and see if he’s okay?_

_Leah: okay_

It’s one word, but it’s enough to confirm what Bram already knew, everyone is done with him and it’s all his own fault. 

He leaves his phone on loud incase Simon or Leah contact him again but it’s still silent the next morning. 

——

Simon doesn’t contact Bram again but when Bram gets back to Georgia in mid March for spring break there is a box of his things sitting in the hall.

“Mom?” Bram asks, dumping his duffel beside the box of books and shirts and there is even his fucking razor in there “where did this box come from?” 

His mom appears from the kitchen, looking surprised and also kind of sad, like she didn’t want Bram to see the box.

“I thought your flight got in at dinner time? I… I was going to move that.” 

“They offered me an earlier flight, something about scheduling being messed up so I took it” Bram explains, then he has to ask “has… I mean, did Simon bring that stuff by?”

“You should have called, i’d have picked you up from the airport…”

“Mom please…”

“Leah brought it round about an hour ago but he… Simon was in the car. He waved.”

“Oh” Bram doesn’t know what else to say so he quickly hugs his mom and grabs the box and his duffel before heading towards the stairs.

“Bram wait…” his mom calls after him.

“I’m just going to have a nap… it’s… i’m tired from travelling.”

They both know its a lie but his mom lets him go and then he’s behind the door of his bedroom, dropping the box on to the floor like it suddenly weighs a hundred pounds. Bram thinks maybe it's the memories that are actually weighing it down and he can't bare to look too closely at the contents. 

And then all he can think about are the other memories in this room, this house, hell the whole town is filled with them.

He and Simon first had sex in this room, spent their first full night together here too, they’ve cooked breakfast and smores and ate chips in the kitchen, sunbathed in the garden with books between them. It’s two years of _them_ and the lifetime of memories they were building towards and now they’re just… not.

Bram wants to puke, wants to cry and beg Simon to take him back, but he’s too scared, or being rejected or even if he isn’t of feeling the same way all over again and hurting Simon even more down the line.

Instead he curls up in the centre of his bed and forces himself to breathe, to think of nothing and try to sleep. It takes almost an hour but eventually it works.

—-

Bram is lowkey anxious the entire time he’s back in Georgia, terrified to bump into Simon or Leah or Abby because he honestly doesn’t know what he will say or do if that actually happens. It doesn’t during the first week he is home and by his penultimate day Bram thinks maybe he’s avoided something that had felt inevitable.

Except of course that evening his mom talks him into helping her grocery shop and then Simon’s parents are right there, bickering in cereal aisle and Bram feels like a deer in headlights. Emily notices him first and it’s both awkward and devastating the way she just double takes.

“Hi” Bram says weakly, because what the hell is he supposed to say in this situation? 

Simon’s dad recovers first.

“Hey Bram” Jack says, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder and Bram is honestly terrified that he might burst into tears right there by the Fruit Loops display. He has been anticipating seeing someone who is in Simon’s circle and in all those scenarios he was treated like the asshole that he’s been. But this awkward… pity is actually harder to take. 

“I should go” Bram says, to save them all from any further discomfort and he’s just about to turn away when Emily grabs him, pulling him into a brief, but tight hug. 

“You take care okay?” she murmurs into his ear and Bram can only nod before he flees, heading straight to the car. 

His mom finds him there twenty minutes later with a blotchy face and tear stains on his t-shirt.

“Oh honey” is all she says before hugging him just like Simon’s mom had, he’s pretty sure she must have seen the Spiers too but thankfully they don’t discuss it. 

“Can we go home now?” Bram asks and his mom just nods and starts the engine.

——-

Bram feels calmer when he gets back to New York, it’s easier to pretend everything doesn’t suck when he isn’t constantly worrying about who he might bump into on the street and he relishes the anonymity of the city. 

Going to class gets a little easier too and he feels like if he can focus all his energy on school work then there is less of him to focus on how much he misses Simon, how this whole thing feels like one huge mistake. 

Mostly it works.

Sometimes he still falls asleep wearing one of Simon’s shirts whilst trying not to fall apart but at least no one is there to see him when he’s that pathetic. 

And then his phone chimes with another text from Simon and any pretence of him being okay just falls apart. 

_Simon: i kissed another guy tonight_

Bram’s hands shake as he tries to reply but he doesn’t know what the hell to say because all he can feel is jealous rage that is all his own fucking fault. In the end he settles on an honest _I don’t know what to say to that._

And it’s true except for the way a million questions are circling through his mind like will Simon date this guy? Was it good? Are you over me already? And he’s such an ass because Bram caused this whole thing and now he is only getting what he deserves for hurting Simon in the first place.

_Simon: i cried afterward and i think it freaked him out_

_Simon: and now i feel like i’ve cheated on you so i’m even more upset_

_Simon: which is fucking dumb because you dont even want me_

At that Bram loses it because of course he wants Simon, he’s wanted him since sophomore year of high school and he’s such a goddamn idiot for ever thinking that being without Simon would be better than missing him.

_Bram: please dont say that Simon, i’m so sorry_

_Simon: forget it_

Bram presses the call button barely ten seconds after receiving Simon’s last message but it goes to voicemail and Bram can’t hold back the tears anymore. He doesn’t want this, any of it - he wants to be the one kissing Simon, he wants to hold him and love him and _be_ with him, not to spend his days missing Simon more than he ever has before.

Sarah told him it would get easier, with time, and maybe it would have, but he doesn’t want easier, he wants Simon and whatever comes with that. It’s only been three months but Bram cannot imagine living the rest of his lift like this.

It takes two more calls to Simon’s voicemail before Bram makes his decision. 

——

Three weeks after spring break and two restless nights after those texts from Simon, Bram begs Sarah’s brother Tom (who lives in Queens but hangs out with them sometimes) to lend him his car. Bram doesn’t know many people in New York with a car because they’re mostly pointless in the city but Tom agrees and at 11am on Friday after his only class of the day Bram leaves to head to Pennsylvania. 

He hasn’t thought of anything else since Simon didn’t answer the phone on wednesday but he still doesn’t know what he’s actually going to say when he gets to Haverford.

It will probably involve and lot of grovelling and begging for forgiveness and Bram will happily sacrifice all of his pride if Simon takes him back.

Honestly he will do anything to make this work because three months without Simon has made it clear that he was so mistaken to think he could live the rest of his life that way. Two more years of being lonely will be worth it to hopefully have Simon with him forever when they’re finished with college. That is if he’s not already too late. Bram tries not to think about it.

It takes a little over two hour and half hours to get from his dorm to Simon’s so it’s just after lunch when he pulls up outside the apartment that Simon is sharing with another guy and girl this year. It’s all very calm and suburban in Haverford so Simon does have his car here but it isn’t there when Bram arrives and when he calls the intercom no one answers.

Simon probably has class so Bram pulls out a book and settles in to wait, trying not to freak out the entire time until eventually a familiar car appears in Bram’s rearview. Simon doesn’t recognise the car obviously so he pays Bram no attention as he parks up in his designated spot. 

And then Simon is right there, maybe twenty feet away from Bram for the first time since christmas break. Simon looks sad and tired and Bram’s heart jolts when he notices the hoodie that Simon is huddled beneath is one of Bram’s Creekwood soccer hoodies.

“Simon wait” Bram says, forcing himself out of the car before he can disappear into the apartment building.

Simon freezes and doesn’t acknowledge Bram for what feels like forever but is probably only ten seconds.

“Bram” he manages eventually, turning around so they’re facing each other “what the hell are you doing here?”

It’s a fair question but Bram doesn’t know what to say, his tongue feels heavy and useless in his mouth and he just takes Simon in, Simon who is unshaven and tired looking but is the most beautiful thing Bram has ever seen.

“I love you” Bram says eventually and it’s like that breaks the dam and he can’t hold anything back “I’m so fucking sorry Simon, I’m such an idiot and I love you and I came here because I want you back please…”

Simon blinks, like he can’t believe that Bram is here and saying these things and then suddenly he looks furious and Bram is terrified that he’s too late, that he messed things up too badly to fix.

“Are you fucking serious?” Simon all but shouts and Bram can only nod.

“You… you fucking break my heart and ignore me for months and now you’re here and you want me back?” there are tears on Simon’s unshaven cheeks and Bram can’t stop himself from reaching out to wipe them away. It’s the lightest touch, just fingertips again spring chilled skin, but Bram feels it everywhere and he can’t believe he ever thought he’d be able to live without this.

“Simon please just...I made a mistake and I hate myself for it but I need you.” 

Bram isn’t sure how it happens but he feels the sting of Simon slapping him, once, hard and crisp against his cheek and then they’re both crying and grabbing for the other, kissing before Bram can even register the pain from the hit. He deserves it and he’ll take it because Simon’s tongue is in his mouth and it feels so _right_ to be kissing him like this again.

“Inside” Simon gasps eventually, like he’s just realised they’re doing this in broad daylight and Bram doesn’t argue, just stumbles up the stairs to Simon’s apartment and into his bedroom. He’s been here before but it feels like that was a lifetime ago now and when Simon tries to kiss him again Bram steps back. It’s the hardest step he’s ever taken but he knows they need to talk, to do this properly because it’s too important not to.

“We should talk first Si” Bram rasps, throat feeling raw with emotion. 

“Shit” Simon says “Yeah.” 

And then things are awkward again so Bram suggests something they used to do in high school.

“Remember when we first started dating and talking about anything felt super terrifying and awkward so we used to just lie in your bed and spoon so we didn’t have to face each other?”

Simon nods.

“Do you… I mean, do you think we could do that now? We can talk things through and then if you want me to leave I promise I will.”

“I never wanted you to leave Bram.”

And fuck, that hurts, but Bram understands.

“I know.”

——

An hour later they’re lay beneath the blankets in their boxers and t-shirts with Bram spooned behind Simon, the sheets damp beneath them from Simon’s tears. 

Bram lets him speak first and Simon just puts it all out there, all his hurt and anger at Bram, his guilt for kissing that other guy at some party and mostly the way he feels like Bram betrayed them by giving up on them so easily. It feels more like a punch to the stomach than Simon actually hitting him did. And Simon apologises for that too, because he doesn’t want to be some guy who uses violence when he can’t find the right words. 

“It’s okay Si, I hurt you a lot, you deserve to hurt me too.”

And Bram has been hurting the whole time anyway but he doesn’t need to make this about him right now.

“It’s not an excuse though so I’m sorry okay? Hitting you was a dick move regardless of what came before it.”

Bram accepts the apology and then it is his turn to speak, to try explain how all encompassing the long distance thing had felt and how he thought maybe, for a little while at least, that they would be better off apart. And then he tells Simon how he realised almost immediately that it was a mistake and that honestly he’s spent the last three months thinking about Simon more than ever.

“Was there anyone else?” Simon asks after a long moment and immediately Bram shakes his head. 

“I barely spoke to anyone other than Sarah, I didn’t ever want anyone else Simon, it was never about that I swear.”

It’s quiet for a moment before Bram forces himself to ask a question that he has no right to but he needs to know the answer anyway.

“Was there… I mean, other than the guy you kissed was there anyone else for you?”

Bram feels Simon stiffen in his arms and right now he’s glad they not looking at each other because if the answer is yes it might actually kill him and it will be all his own fault.

“No there… it was just one kiss with that one guy and I was a mess afterward, I felt sick and guilty and heartbroke and pathetic and all I could imagine was wanting you forever and never getting to have you again.”

Bram wraps his arms tighter around Simon and tries not to cry.

“I’m so sorry baby” Bram says, the endearment slipping out before he can help it “but I’m here and I’m yours forever if you’ll have me back. I swear to god I’m done being stupid. I just want to be with you again Si.”

Simon lapses into silence and Bram forces himself to wait for him to break it, this is all on Simon now, to love him again or leave him.

“Promise me you won’t do this again Bram, promise me you can handle another two years of us living in different states.”

“God, I promise Simon, if you moved to California or Europe or the fucking moon tomorrow I’d still want to be with you again.”

“Okay” Simon whispers and god, it's one little word but it makes Brams heart pound with excited hope.

“Okay?” He asks, just to clarify, to be sure.

“Okay let's do this. Okay I forgive you and I want to be with you. Okay you’re my boyfriend and if you ever do anything like that to me again I will fucking kill you.”

Bram laughs, nervous and almost hysterical before saying “okay” and flipping Simon to kiss him again.

——

It’s nine months later when Bram begs to steal Tom’s car again for the weekend, another frosty January morning just like the year before. Today Bram has no plans to almost fuck his entire life up though, he’s learnt from that mistake. They’re juniors in college now and Simon turned twenty-one over winter break and honestly, another year living apart seems like the most achievable thing, especially after those three awful months last winter.

Today is the anniversary of that first terrible day when he Skyped Simon and this year Bram is determined to make January 15th something to celebrate instead.

So he takes Tom’s car and drives for two hours in the late morning traffic and when he arrives in Haverford Simon’s car is parked right outside the same apartment he lived in last year. 

Bram is pretty nervous because he has _plans_ but when Simon answers the door it all just seems to melt away, because they’ve been through the worst, so even if this plan doesn’t go the way Bram hopes, well they’ll still be okay.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?!” Simon gasps, surprised because they just got back from a month at home for winter break last week but his smile is happy and beautiful and it pushes Bram forward to kiss him.

“Hey, I just missed you and wanted to surprise you.” 

“Does this have anything to do with the date today?” Simon asks and damn he’s so intuitive and says it like he completely understands.

“Yeah… I just, wanted to be with you today. Make new, better memories so we can forget last year ever happened.”

Bram doesn’t need to persuade Simon and within minutes they’re behind his locked bedroom door making out.

“You wanna?” Simon asks, breathless as he pulls away from Bram’s mouth, and this wasn’t part of his grand romantic plan but who is Bram to say no to lazy afternoon sex? 

An hour later they’re sweaty and naked beneath Simon’s sheets and Bram feels so fucking happy that he gets to have this, that he can skip college to surprise Simon on a Friday and spend as long as he wants making Simon come. 

“So not that this wasn’t amazing” Bram says after five minutes of trading slow kisses and snuggling “but I was hoping to take you out today? If you’re up for it?”

“Sure, what were you thinking of?” Simon is so easy going and Bram absolutely loves him for it. 

“I made us reservations for dinner at that fancy steak place in town that we never eat at because we’re broke students” Bram explains, trying not to blush “but before that I was thinking we go hiking? That place with the stream and the little waterfall that you took me to last summer?”

“You want to hike? In winter?” Simon asks, incredulous. 

“I mean it hasn’t been snowing and it’s a really sunny day out… but if you don't want to we don't have to?”

——

Simon agrees and after bundling into scarves and hats they take Simon’s car to the bottom of the hiking trail. It’s a fairly easy walk and they’re both fit enough but the cold air means that Simon is huffing and puffing by the time they make it to the waterfall.

It’s a Friday afternoon in January so the place is deserted but even with bare trees and half of the water frozen the place is beautiful. Simon is stood snapping photos on his iPhone, his back to Bram and concentrating an unnecessary amount when Bram finally decides to make his move.

And so he fumbles for the box hidden inside his coat and drops to one knee a couple of feet behind Simon. 

“Hey Si?” Bram calls and he doesn’t really trust his voice to say much more but it does the job and Simon turns to face him.

“Yeah….” he starts, then stops when he notices Bram, taking in the box and the ring in his outstretched hand.

And they’ve talked about marriage before, about _someday_ and _after college_ but Bram is still terrified.

“So what so you think babe? You up for marrying me?” It’s not the most romantic thing Bram could have said perhaps, but it’s so sincere and Simon’s face splits in to a smile a moment later.

“Are you serious?” Simon asks, taking a step closer so he’s right there above Bram, invading his space in the best way.

“More serious than I’ve ever been” Bram takes a deep breath “I love you and I want to be with you forever Si.”

And then Simon is crouching down on the hard, cold ground too, kissing Bram as he nods frantically and whispers ‘yes’ between their lips over and over. 

Bram pulls the ring free and awkwardly slips it onto Simon’s finger whilst they kiss and that seems to seal the deal because Simon is grinning and pulling Bram so close. 

It’s maybe not the perfect proposal but a few hours later when they’re tucking into expensive steaks lit by candlelight Simon is still smiling wide enough to split his face and Bram feels light and warm and so goddamn happy inside that he thinks maybe perfect is overrated. It’s _theirs_ and Simon said yes and that is all Bram needs.

Before they fall asleep that night Bram opens Facebook and updates his status.

**Bram Greenfeld is engaged to Simon Spier.**


End file.
